I finally figured it out.
That's why I came back to this blog after over a year. I had to write this down.
I was in class. Yes, I know... I'm going on to become one of those 5-year seniors pretty soon. So, I have to finish a Japanese literature class, in order to finish a minor, in order to graduate next May.
My professor is a wise old Englishman. In fact, I'm fairly certain he is the Dos Equis' "Most Interesting Man In The World". When he's not giving me the worst grades on quizzes and tests I've ever received in my life, he's introducing some clever new insight.
We had been reading ancient Japanese literature, which is filled with a fair share of sordid sex tales. On the topic of Japanese men getting a lot of action, Prof. Pennington chimed in: "Of course, nobody gets with each other in America, because nobody really likes each other in America!!"
That was it. I figured it out.
Americans are not anti-social. That's not it. Americans are quite social. For instance, I took a hike today at a popular trail in Tucson, and I passed about 11 people who happily greeted me with "Hello!".
The problem is that Americans don't really like each other.
Our relationships are more surface level than anything else. Our real priorities are in personal monetary success. Not everyone, of course. Just many of us. Especially in suburbia and the vast reaches of mainstream American society (delving into alternative culture may lend differences).
There is no NATURAL sense of comradery as I feel when I am in certain parts of Europe or hanging out with foreign students. When I am around people from other cultures, I'll meet a guy and find there's an instant 'brotherly' connection. Or, I meet a girl that I am attracted to and discover an instant sexual chemistry that doesn't require strain or effort to maintain (such as running "game" or trying to constantly demonstrate alpha behavior.)
I don't experience this among my fellow Americans, and this is what's led to my general dissatisfaction.
I have some good friends, for sure, and I do meet new people fairly often. But, it just requires so much more effort than it should. It's as if to be spiritual and inter-connected means to flow AGAINST the stream. And in a society built on foundations of materialism and selfishness, this makes sense. Furthermore, so many of us are deluded into believing the USA is "the greatest country in the world" (statistically, it absolutely isn't), so it does not occur to the xenophobic masses that America suffers from drastic social problems, leading to what I believe is vast unhappiness for most Americans.
In the wonderful, cliquey world of being at a big Pac-10 university, MANY people are impossible to know on a personal level. Here at the U of A, there is a pandemic of students who don't really think for themselves. You know them as the roving bands of guys and girls--all dressed the same, talking the same, and sharing no real bonds with each other at all. Some may have fraternities or sororities in common, or they play the same sports, but it's rare as gold to find people happily interacting with each other and enjoying the human experience. Even the romantic relationships are generally surface-level only.
It's like these people are so self-consumed they don't even stop to become aware of life outside of their heads. And, they always have that vacant stare on their faces. I can't accurately describe it, but it's their mouths are just slightly agape, eyes lethargically slanted, as if they are sedated to the world around them.
Is this a problem for me? It isn't. I immediately filter out people who are infected by this pandemic, and I gravitate toward the real and authentic people. I'm so used to this that I barely noticed these fake people until last semester, when it occurred to me how much I feel sorry for them. Do they have any true friends at all, besides that bottle of Jack Daniels? (It's true, I think half the students on this campus have real alcohol problems).
After college, enter Suburbia. Same problem, different environment. Fake neighbors, fake friends, fake careers continue to haunt you long after high school and college. "American Beauty" was a great film to satirize this, especially when Kevin Spacey's character comments that his wife is treating their children like employees. Again, in a country built on materialism, children are taught the virtues of ruthless self-success, Darwinian capitalism, and how to be apathetic and without compassion. The cycle continues.
In summary, this is what's going on. Americans are disconnected from life, love, and many things. Are you one of them? Do you live in a shell that makes you afraid of the world around you? Do you cling to familiar people and surroundings to avoid anything that will rattle your boat? Are you afraid to express yourself personally? Do you regard other people only for what you can get out of them? Do you lack real friends? Are you terribly frustrated because there is no grander purpose to your life? Do you drink a lot of alcohol, and eat a lot of food, to numb the pain?
If you do, it's possible you are a victim of a culture with a social disease. On one hand, yes you must work these problems out and discover some kind of inner-realization. On the other hand, recognize the cogs of the machine that create this culture, and then take some time off to visit other lands, and meet new people. Discover the amazing contrast. The entire world isn't the same.
Hey, what's up?
- Cyrus K
- Tucson, AZ, United States
- No, I'm not a social / behavioral sciences student. I'm actually just this thin blonde guy majoring in Journalism at the University of Arizona. I became interested in the notion that America is actually "unfriendly" after talking to different foreign exchange students; afterwards, I started noticing it everywhere I went, and so I was inspired to create this blog. Admittedly, I've never been to Europe, but hopefully that will change in the near future, and I'll be sure to report on the personality differences that I see. I have interests in magazine publication after college. Wish me luck! Also, E-Mail me your thoughts / opinions to Cyrusk4@email.arizona.edu
6 comments:
No comments.
Why does that not surprise me?
Your assessment of American civilization is right on. Most of us spend our entire lives in a state of "culture autism," an affliction with no cure because we like it. A trip through Kansas makes the point - lonely farmhouses separated by prosperous mileage.
Lonely?
Your professor was correct when he suggested that Americans dislike one another. How can we not when every person we meet is a potential competitor. Want more proof that the disease is pandemic? Try to make a phone call. Most times you won't penetrate the voice mail barrier, and should you leave a message, you may never have the call returned.
On to email, sold by its creators as the next phase in communication. Nonsense. Once adopted by Americans, email turned out just another brick wall. Email is killing us. Businesses no longer accept phone calls at a time when the economy is trashed. How in hell can they expect to do business? Americans don't link-up anymore - as friends, lovers, colleagues - due in significant part to our addiction to digital non-communication. "Virtual" friendship is now the norm, a term best defined as "not quite real."
Cultural autism is America's soft underbelly. Any enemy wishing to bring us down need only exploit the average citizen's disinclination to speak to strangers, even in defense of his or her homeland. I'm old enough to remember when Dunkin' Donuts had stools. When I was a teenager we used to stumble into the place in the wee hours and coffee ourselves to sobriety, all the while bullshitting with other stool-sitters, even cops, on some occasions. The stools were yanked in the late Eighties, replaced by tables at which antisocial assholes quaffed java whilst reading newspapers or paperbacks, rarely or ever in the company of other assholes. Today a new generation of antisocialites continue the tradition, their print media traded off for laptops and cellphones.
Community is essential to civilization, and family values just meanness and bigotry unless practiced in a community context. I fear we will never learn that lesson. And when the truth descends on individual Americans like the Acme Anvil on the head of Wile Coyote, each will take heart in that fact that all the bitches and bastards he or she so loathed got the same medicine.
Woe to us.
I agree with what you’re saying. America is a dog-eat-dog, rat on a treadmill, type of society. I know precisely what you mean. If you’re constantly in competition, who can really be your friend? What I noticed is how often Americans use what you do and how old you are to gauge where you should be in the race. Go to any party here, and the first thing you get asked is what do you do? I’ve had people walk away from me based on my previous answer to this question. Suddenly I wasn’t good enough. Now that I have a more prestigious position, I’m in the pretentious yuppy club. If you’re over 40 businesses already want to put you down like an old horse. Even the popular culture tells you that you don’t matter as a human being any more. We segregate our old people into retirement villages. That disgusts me. We’ve always got to be on the more looking for BBD. All we do is work to keep lining stockholders pockets and making the rich richer. We don’t have time to do anything else but plop in front of a TV that sells us lies and fantasy. It’s the materialism, the quest for money and power, outdoing the Jonses, yes, which makes us suck. Right now, Google is hiring more people but their investors are pissed off about it because it means less money for them. THIS is why my husband and I are positioning ourselves to go overseas. I personally have more affinity for the French and France is where I want to live.
Just found your blog. Good thoughts on here...
I left the US and now live in Italy. I lived in Europe for 6 years during the 90s, came back to the US, went to grad school, did the 15 years of career-building, great job, big house, etc. But I always felt empty and disconnected somehow. Yes, I was cordial with family and neighbors, but never once did neighbors invite me or my wife over for coffee or lunch. Americans like to hide behind big houses and fences and act friendly, but don't come too close! It seems to me that in the US most relationships (like most everything else in the country) are black & white. With relationships you'r either perceived as someone who can give something to someone else (i.e. earn them money somehow), or if not... you are the competition and not to be trusted (as you stated in your post). Family and friend relationships tend to be highly political, superficial, and shallow, not daring to scratch below the surface. Notice how the only people who will EVER come up to you on the street in the US are shysters trying to sell you something or else trying to convert you to some religion? It's almost pathetic that these people think that the "I'm your friend" tactic still might work. American has long since passed the time when "strangers" approach or truly want to be friends.
This is a good blog! I agree with the post along with all 3 comments.
I was born in America, and as a kid, things weren't too bad in the 80's/90's because I had many friends, but now that I'm an adult, my social life took a turn for the worse through no fault of my own and now I don't have any friends, only a few acquaintances that are mostly held together through prior or future business deals.
Seems to me that once people graduate high school/college, many people (more so men) abandon lifelong friendships and join the rat race because doing anything else is viewed as being "unproductive".
People are in a mad dash to get rich, buy a big home, a new car, and start their own family that they have little or no time for anything else so it's hard to make friends in my age bracket (30's) because of it.
In fact, I don't even bother trying to make friends anymore because people just do not care.
I mean I have bumped into people in the street (old classmates/parents of an old friend)and I'm given such a cold indifferent attitude that I was better of just ignoring them. They never bothered to ask me over for dinner or to go grab a bite to eat.
Anyhow, I took a trip overseas and I was blown away at how friendly people from another culture were to me. I almost cried because I was being treated better by foreigners in a foreign county better then people from my own country. I even made a friend within 2 weeks of my overseas trip where as here in America I have went 2-3 years without making any new friends.
Having said that, I have made up my mind that I will eventually be moving abroad for good. I'm not staying here being alone and isolated all the time all while having to put up with the fake pleasantries and phony people who only want to be in your life if they can get something from you or pop up when it's convent for them such as a wedding or baby shower.
We need to stop treating the "disease" with kid gloves. We need to call it what it is--evil. Americans, as an overwhelming majority--choose evil over good. Over the last five years after college I watched social isolation & depression overtake me, leaving a scorched hole in its place. I went to Middlebury College, which was full of what I would call "psychopaths". To be a psychopath, in America, is the norm. I am a warm and loving person by nature, and I always, when I was naive, tried to see the best in everything. But at some point, it became obvious to me that we are just bad, cold, hard-hearted people, as a whole, and don't deserve to be defended--he who lives by the sword, shall also perish by it--no sympathy for the devil. When I lived in Europe for about a year during college, it became obvious to me what it actually means to LIVE IN A SOCIETY. Let's face facts, we are cruel, uncaring, exploitive, MEAN people who have reaped sadness & mostly deserve it--except for those of us who still want to be good & strive for genuine love & relationships in our lives. A good 80% of us are scumbags, though.
I made this blog almost a decade ago now. But I just posted my thoughts and left it alone. Very interesting and good comments. I'm not dead, though, I'm doing quite well. I write more cultural commentary at www.cyruskirkpatrick.com.
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